I am not perfect and 2017 really proved that to everyone who follows my YouTube, FaceBook, Blog, Books or anything else in my art world. I kind of disappeared without explanation to anyone. My brother has asked me numerous times when I am going to post another video and I haven't even explained things to him.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my art. I was continuing to draw while not on camera because I love it, but I was frustrated with my "professional" side of art. There were things that happened that were beyond my control that made my earnings drop severely. The money I made with YouTube and my books with my publisher were severely cut. It was disheartening to put over 40 hours a week into art and not receiving a check some months.
There was something in my personal life too that was causing a big barrier in me creating videos. I've never discussed this publicly but I suffer from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I was on medication for awhile but because of insurance and the cost of my medication I was not on meds for longer than I should have been. What happens when I am not on medication is that it's very difficult for me to complete tasks, I become easily distracted and frustrated, and tasks that should take an hour take several hours.
As much as I would love to get into what it feels like for me to draw with ADD, not on meds, and having distractions like my earnings dropping, I can't really describe it without sounding like I'm whining but I'm going to try. The best way I can really describe it is like this. Imagine you have the best job ever and even though you're not getting rich by any stretch of the imagination, you're able to pay your bills and have a little left over to save. Then one day you're told, "hey, you still need to work 40-60 hours a week doing what you've been doing, but you now get paid 50% less than what you had been earning. If you decide not to put the hours in, we'll drop your pay by another 15-20%." Even though you might love your job, it suddenly feels like being forced out of a job you love because you can no longer pay your bills.
Anyway, while I've been off camera, I've been really thinking about what I want to do with YouTube and everything else. I seriously considered just letting everything go. It was a depressing thought but the thought of continuing to try only to continue to fail was more depressing.
Now that I am back on my ADD medication, I am able to fully think things through and analyze things until I reach a conclusion. I had to go back to the beginning and think about why I started recording my drawings to begin with. It was never to make money or to get recognized. I knew from the beginning that I was never going to be rich from my videos. I started recording my drawings because it was fun and I wanted people to learn the art I was growing to love. As my channel grew, I have loved communicating through the comments section and through Facebook and other social media. That aspect has never gone away no matter how frustrating the behind the scenes stuff got.
This made me realize that I really do want to keep going with my art on social media no matter what that means. I've spent the last part of 2017 working on a schedule that will keep me on track with my posts. I'm not saying I won't get frustrated again but I do know that I am going to keep going. I hope you all understand and will stay with me as I transition into this new schedule.
I can't promise that I will be perfect with my new schedule. I wish I could. What I can promise is that I'm not going to disappear for months again. 2018 is a whole new year and I plan on making this the best year yet.
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